For those of you out there who haven't noticed that this blog goes back over three years now, well it does. I bring this up not to entice you to read the archives (not worth it), but because as I mentioned a few weeks ago, everything counts; it all matters. Right now I'm wrestling with the fact that the close of 2015 will mark four years of Failure...and yet, here I am. At this point I'm so used to staying fat that I can look back and dispassionately analyze my patterns- I tend to start out the January-March window losing 20-30 lbs and then I allow a happy trip, a Summer visitor, mild depression, or a host of other excuses to derail my progress. I've been known to get serious in August, but I think that this is the first year I've ever gotten back on track in the month of November and stayed with it into mid-December. It feels different, and I'm writing tonight because I want to take hold permanently. I am passionately willing 2016 to be the year.
What will it look like/feel like/be like to lose many pounds again? I have done it before, but it's been a minute. The first time was between 1996-1998 in college when I went from 305 to 200, and then between 2004-2006 when I reduced to 240 from 300. I've spent almost my whole life being fat; it's just my reality. In high school I was a round-faced cherub rocking the Catholic school skirt that had 14 pleats around it to the 'normal' girl's 8. In junior high I started shopping at men's clothing stores like Chess King so I could find tops that fit me and seemed even remotely 'cool' (this was the early 90s, so picture mustard colored silky dress shirts a la Heavy D; not a good look). I distinctly remember the shame of being weighed in kindergarten at 82 lbs. Then there was the day my grandmother brought me to her dressmaker when I was eight and they went on and on about the fact that my waist at 29 inches was the same circumference as one of my tall, full-grown aunts. The horror.
I've never been under 200 lbs as an adult woman and while I'm fully functional at present, I want to experience the type of comfort and confidence I've had in only fleeting moments. To answer my own question, dropping over a hundred pounds will be amazing. It's never too late, and I'm ready.
Nope, never too late. Momentum is such a good friend. Occasionally pedaling up a stupid ass hill is hard, and lately, I've just let the bike roll backward. I don't want to re-gain the fifty pounds I've gained and lost over the years. I'm seeing the puffy face, smaller eyes, and chins when I look in the mirror. I might be in a period of wallowing and self pity...I need to shake myself and get over it.
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