Still Chunky. Still Ranting.

First, I want to say a sincere THANK YOU to anyone who thought to nose around this blog during my almost 4 months off in the stratosphere- and an especially big thanks to Skinny Bitch and Kaki who recently dropped by. Kaki's new take on the 'HALT' acronym is particularly brillz; you should check her out. I also have a few wonderful friends who read this via Pinterest and I appreciate it all.

So in September I claimed I was 'not saying fuck it' (not one of my best) and I think I kept with that vibe for a bit in the fall, but yet again somewhere around early November I let it all go. The various excuses all apply; nothing tragic befell me. I love to stuff delicious food into my face- the doughier, the sweeter, the toffee-crunchier, the better. Sugar for me is bad in a myriad of ways and I keep doing it. When I combine sugar from morning on with wine or other alcohol at night I blow up like a cartoon.

Quick aside: with all the anti-bullying stuff, why is it that kids' movies have no problem with making fun of overweight people?  Fat ladies are priggish and wear only flowered dresses, fat kids are dumpy losers or bullies, and fat men are buffoons who pop buttons and get red in the face. And double quick aside: I agree with team 'Love Actually Sucks' because fat shaming. K. Done.

This is what's going on in my house: We just got back late last night from a week in Massachusetts with my family. My husband I both had a blast, we enjoyed everyone's company, got a break from work, and we ate/drank any and everything we wanted. It got to the point where I was looking at very fancy chocolates on our last day and going 'blerggg I can't' (spoiler alert: I did anyway!).

The real bad: My neck is almost gone; I'm more comfortable in a 26/28 than any other size; my 'fitness level' is a negative 6. I snore and wheeze.

The okay: Pretty sure I'm not quite back at my top weight; some of my 'newer' 2013 clothing still fits, and I'm still here.

The good: The path ahead is a beautiful, unmarked blank slate.

The wonderful: My husband told me over Christmas with my family I was 'perfect'. When I made a horrified face at that word he said 'Perfect to me'. He melted my cold sarcastic heart. For years I thought major weight loss first, love second.

The truth: I'm not starved for love, I'm not angry or tamping down feelings of unworthiness. The over-analyzing of the fat person as the downtrodden and ashamed pisses me off. There is no spelunking of the soul that needs to happen; I need to plan and execute and take care of myself nutritionally. These next few days I won't be in full no grains/Paleo, but I will be starting in earnest Jan 2. I like this overview and meal plan ideas quite a bit: http://authoritynutrition.com/low-carb-diet-meal-plan-and-menu/

I will also take a break from drinking, and get my shit together physically.  I will be watching all y'all do your thing in 2014, too.

Finally, look how cute we are:

No Make-up, No Scale, Not Saying 'Fuck it'

So since I lost those three British Pounds, I've stayed away from the scale. My excuses are thus: last weekend I had my period and felt gross- I rationalized that if I got on and saw a gain I'd go off my plan. Then this weekend I was sick (just a cold) and felt that somehow the mucus in my lungs would weigh me down. Pretty lame, but I did stay with my food plan (okay okay the wine, almond butter, and 85% dark chocolate are still being used in questionable amounts) and now I'm about 6 weeks back to grain-free and sugar free. I've continued my streak of avoiding the den of cookies and red vines at work, and the meals of proteins, veggies, and (sometimes) delicious cheeses are working for me.

The makeup-free pic above is not exactly a progress pic and it's far from a glamor shot, but I'm not unhappy with how I look right now. Staying away from flour and sugar de-puffs me and keeps me relatively zit-free. At 37 it's rare that anyone mistakes me for a youngster anymore but I feel like as the weight comes off I'm starting to look younger. As I posted a few weeks ago when Adam and I went to a Dodger game on a hot August Sunday, when I'm NOT eating grains I just feel more comfortable. My clothes are not sliding off my body and I have a long road ahead but I am balanced and chipping away at the goal.

The further I go on and the more situations I get through, the easier it is NOT to say 'fuck it'. If I ignored homemade bread at work, why would I grab a flour tortilla at dinner when I can have as much chicken and guac as I want? If I didn't binge out or start eating pasta for no reason when I was PMSing last week, why would I eat the noodles in my large pho- 'because I have a cold' this week?  It just starts to snowball, basically, and I feel like I'm no longer just 'trying' (that's kind of a whiney weight-loss-blogger word, in my bitchy opinion)- I'm doing.

This coming Sunday is my one year blog-iversary and I will see what's what. Adam and I are also taking a one night trip to Vegas that just happens to fall on Sept 29th. I expect to feel...well...

£ £ £!!

See what I did there? I lost three pounds, friends.

A few things:

1) I stated nine days ago that Thursday would be my 'new' weigh-in day. Today is Saturday. Last week was weird and I felt that I needed a few extra days. Plus I started thinking that a Thursday AM weigh-in would lead inevitably to a 'four day weekend' mentality. I went out with a friend Thursday and stayed on track with food because I was looking forward to Saturday morning. So I'm back to Sat AM weigh-ins.

2) As the wonderful Leigh pointed out, 24 lbs (or £; whatevs) is a shit-ton to lose in four weeks, and with three down after one 'week' I'm behind. I feel perfectly okay with that. 12 in four weeks will also be a successful outcome, but I think I can break that.

3) For the low-carb/meal-plan curious, I've stayed true to my plan. Most days involve coffee for breakfast with coconut oil, half/half and either no sweetener or one pkt of stevia. That gets me through to lunch which I typically pick up from a restaurant within walking distance of work. Generous portions of skewer chicken, gyro meat, and greek salad (no rice, no pita, etc) are my staples, but sometimes I'll get a bunless cheeseburger or tandoori chicken.  Dinner varies- sometimes I cook but during the week with my commute and hours I tend to pick up food that I just have to heat up- or my wonderful husband cooks something for us. Basically a protein and some veggies is dinner. Fresh and Easy is a store I frequent. On the weekends I will make eggs and bacon for breakfast and have a smaller lunch. We grill a lot, too. My 'treats' are red wine, almond butter, dark chocolate and macadamia nuts. I could stand to go treat-free a few extra nights per week. Poonapalooza's food diary posts are an intimidating yet inspiring resource for those of us going 'clean'.

4) Right now I'm really enjoying the food I eat and it's easier for me to leave certain foods completely off the table.

5) Clothes are starting to feel better again, and I'm looking forward to being able to fit back into ALL of my 3x tops and 22/24s.

6) Back-to-school has moved my normally busy workplace up to melt-down mode. At this time of year I've typically skipped lunch and raided the office kitchen which is FULL OF SUGARY SNACKS. We stock the snacks for the 16 year olds who descend on the office on weekends. I'm no longer 16; I'm carb-sensitive and prone to binging. Eating this way keeps me from going there. (insert 'aintnobodygottimeforthat' lady here)


Hope everyone enjoys the weekend. It's hot as balls in Southern Cali- even down here at the beach. For those of you who are all 'heeeheee hashtag sweatshirt weather' I'm jealous!

Driving without carbs

So this is a holiday weekend that doesn't feel like one. Yet, it kinda does because I have yet another day off work tomorrow.

In brief, on Friday morning a good family friend died too young. He was a good man, a dad, a musician, and a career high school English teacher. I've known him since I was two and even though I'm not around him and his family anymore (I've lived in CA 14 years) it hit me hard. Craig was at my wedding in 2010 and he was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago; it was one of those situations where you don't want to 'believe' it's happening- and then, well, it does. On Friday I ended up calling out of work because I just didn't want to be around people. I talked to my mom a few times and read some heartbreaking facebook posts and called it a day.

Saturday morning Adam and I made the last minute decision to drive from home (Redondo Beach) to Oakland to see his friend Bobby and his band play at a club. If I hadn't taken Friday off I probably would have talked Adam out of it, but I really wanted to get out of the house and out of my head. The drive took almost 6 hours and then another 40 min each way from hotel to the gig, plus about 5.5 to get back home tonight. As I cheerily put it, I added an another week's worth of drive-time commute onto my life in just 36 hours. It was 'worth it' to see how happy it made Bobby and the guys in his band when we showed up but... I'm wiped.

The reason why I'm motivated to share the randomness of the last few days is because I coasted through it without turning to Spice Drops, Combos, M&Ms, breaded fast food, or any other convenience store road snacks. We stopped at both McDonald's and Taco Bell and I made it through relatively unscathed as it relates to low carb- want to hear how? I know I'm bragging but the thing is I wasn't all middle-aged-paranoid-eating-disorder-style about it, I just did it.

Road trip stop #1- McDonalds 1pm Saturday. I ordered a grilled chicken bacon wrap. In the car I dug out the chicken, bacon, and mayonn-aisey lettuce and tomato pieces and chomped it down. I tossed the wrap. Boom. I didn't special order I just foraged for the good stuff.

Road trip stop #2- Cattlemen's 7pm Saturday. Chain sit-down place. I was hungry since I had really only eaten the innards of a $2 wrap sandwich, but I ignored the bread basket, enjoyed a blue-cheese salad, and then opted for veggies instead of the starchy choices, and was so full with my pound of ground sirloin that the cowboy chocolatey cake-pile dessert was honestly the least appetizing thing on the planet.

Road trip stop #3- On the way home we hit up a taco bell. Generally pretty barfy. I got the Cantina Bowl chicken with no rice. Done.

We had a CVS can of mixed nuts in the car, and I drank both water and zero calorie Monster energy drinks. There was also a free breakfast at the Quality Inn and I shoveled down some rubbery scrambled eggs and some coffee with half-and-half- AND I IGNORED THE SWEET BREAKFAST TREATS. Anyone who knows me would be shocked to see me sitting 5 feet from a danish and bagel display with a small pile of eggs and a coffee.

The best part? I'm so rarely hungry and I find myself 'naturally' eating smaller portions. Eating this way regulates my hunger, and probably my blood glucose levels (someday I'll get tested) in such a way that I don't want to sneak into the chevron and buy candy- even on a 6 hour drive. It's magic.

Scale. Goal.

I did it. I got on our DUSTY-ass scale this morning. I'm up 14 lbs since May 4th and like I said earlier this week, I'm ready to put my name on it and own up to where I am today. This puts my 'total loss' at 16 lbs. 30 looked so much nicer on the weight loss ticker but it's been a lie for awhile.

Today is a clean, low carb slate. Thursday is my new weigh-in day, friends.

I am setting goal of hitting a total of 40 lbs in four weeks. That will be my one year Bloggiversary and it will be two days before a long weekend trip we have planned.

That means 6 lbs per week. Deep breath. I promise you I'm heavy enough to do it and hitting that number will not involve actual starvation. It's like a regular chunky person losing 3 per week; for reals.

I'm still working on listening to body instead of my mind and I'm experiencing good things.

Some observations over the last two weeks:

Just a few days into eating clean/low carb I start sleeping better.

When we went to a baseball game this past Saturday, I was eight days in to no starch/grains/added sugars and I was comfortable. In the sun. In a crowd.

The longer you stay at it the easier it gets.
 

Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone.

'Don't look where you don't want to go'

Comfortable. Relaxed in a crowded room. Nervous when flying only because it's FLYING and airport security lines suck, not nervous because the seats/aisles/beltswillbetoosmall and people are looking at you. Able to keep up walking through sand on the beach or up a mild incline on a hike or through snow. Ready and willing to jump into a lake, a pool, the ocean because it's hot out and the water will feel good. Pulling on a sweater over a long sleeved shirt in the winter and having it fit snugly yet attractively over my grown-woman boobs and healthy waist. Getting dressed in the morning with a choice of 30 different things to wear. Smiling more, standing up straighter, and getting out my head and into my lungs, muscles, eyes, ears, nose, hands, feet, and heart.

All of the above.


So hi. I hope a few of you are still out there. As soon as I click 'publish' I'm coming to visit you and say hello and see how you're doing. Here in Redondo Beach, I am mentally digesting the hippie-dippiest low carb book on planet earth, and I am unabashedly happy I did. The book is The Low Carb Revolution by one John McLean and- well, here's the cover:

It's enough to make you think I've gone and lost it; I know. The rainbow stretch pants, the quotes with capitalization, the random cut-and-paste of sushi rolls even though the book is about NOT eating things like rice- it's a hot mess. Inside his writing also leaves quite a bit to be desired- he talks to himself and makes jokes in the midst of sentences and there are some typos on the kindle version ($2.99!) of the book. However, I feel like it helped me make a connection over the past week that I've needed.

The science stuff in John's book is lifted (and credited to) Taubes, Eades, etc. and I read it all because being told again that fat doesn't make me fat is a good thing to remember. Reading about how harmful simple starch and sugars are for me (and that's me personally) is also a good thing. But we know/knew/understand all of that. 

The new ideas are about flipping the mind-body connection on it's head and I liked it. He theorizes that the mind 'doesn't' really control the body- ie you want to lose weight, you make lists, you post blogs, you promise people on pinterest and facebook that THIS IS IT- your damn mind is on board- yet you find yourself overeating just two days later.  If our minds were really in charge, he posits, then we'd all be size 8s (or whatever).  Your body is driving the ship and one problem we might have is that we are not talking to our bodies and we don't understand them because we're kind of hiding up here in our heads. That made sense to me. The title of the blog 'Don't Look Where You Don't Want To Go' is one of McLean's 'secrets' and it refers to what coaches might tell downhill skiers and snowboarders- basically as soon as you even acknowledge the possibility of going off track you inevitably veer in that direction and then you're fucked. McLean never says 'fucked' because he's a hippie but that's the message.

So this post is about today and tomorrow and looking where I do want to go. I've been starch/wheat/grain free for the last eight days and I'm sugar-free with the exception of very dark chocolate and natural almond butter. My meals are high in protein and fat and I've been drinking wine but feeling balanced. On August 29th which is this coming Thursday morning I will check in on the scale. It's been too long and I want to know. I also want to know how much I will lose between 8/29 and 9/29 and then again how much I will shed leading up Christmas. I'm ready to put my name on it.

the malaise of sobriety

Another week down and I feel confident I've lost some lbs, but I just feel blah.  I made it through an entire 4th of July without drinking or overeating which is cool, but 100 lbs didn't exactly abandon ship overnight so now I'm just here...still very chunky, still uncomfortable, and because I'm not drinking away my four day weekend I'm acutely aware of it all.

I don't have the full-on 'Fuckits', though- I'm currently wearing sneakers and I'm blogging instead of getting back into bed. If all goes well I will exercise, shower, and then get to the grocery store before 5pm. Dream Big, I know.

By taking a break from drinking I'm forcing myself to deal with me 24/7 and I've found that it's not super fun. There are plenty of things to do with your days off, especially when you're not hungover, but I'm not doing them. I'm re-reading tweets, playing candy crush, watching TV, and digesting mediocre books on the Kindle.

Lurking around other blogs this morning I'm seeing that for the Very Successful Ones, typically exercise is front and center. You know the type: Before hitting the farmer's market, chopping veggies for tonight's intricate dinner, putting together the twins' bunk beds from Ikea, reviewing Vibram water runners for pay, and posting 78 pictures of my symposium at FitBloggin', I ran 9 miles at dawn (only 9 because it was my rest day!).

Kidding, kind of. There are some exceptions, of course, and I agree with the school of thought that says food intake is 80-90% of weight loss and when you're really reducing your calories excessive cardio actually makes you hungrier- BUT meanwhile there are a good amount of success stories out there who seem to run and/or do pylometrics on the regular. For me a workout is something that helps me feel accomplished and strong; it's not something I do 'to lose weight'.

I have to figure out my own thing,though. I'm not yet ready for full-on running or cross-fitting, but I am ready to get to the place where I'm more 'me'. For the last few days, instead of drinking and eating to excess, I've been lying around, reading, and napping. Hardly the start of a self-revolution.

The bottom line here is that I'm the one in charge of becoming the weekend hiker/ the spontaneous trip goer/the zumba class attendee/the buyer of expensive lingerie/the crafty home improver/the daughter who calls more/the friend who visits more/the regular hair appointment maker/the finisher of screenplays/the confident story teller/the attractive woman, wife, and someday mother I've always imagined myself to be. I'm also in charge of doing some of those things now, at my current downward-trending weight, and feeling okay with that.

Off to the gym.

BOATS and PLANES

Before I get into boats 'n planes, the pictogram above is from an article on 'Customers of Size' on commercial airplanes in standard seats. You can see a size 14 is just barely contained, and the 16 and 18 crash test dummies are bleeding their shoulder-chub all over their seatmates. Given that I'm a size 24 on a good day, I would very much like to shrink myself before ever again sitting on a plane. That image is something I will carry with me over the next six months because I will not be stressed and embarrassed about doing something I'm really looking forward to- flying to Massachusetts for Christmas. I have just under 6 months to get down to a 14 (or even a 16 or 18) and I know I can do it.

In other, imminent, body-freakout news, we are planning to go up to Adam's parents again and hang out on Bass Lake on their new patio boat. We went last year and even though I was pushing maximum (weight) density, I found out being on a boat all day is much more fun than I expected. Being IN the water is something I've always loved, but the other stuff: putting on a bathing suit, marching around in public wearing shorts, pulling myself up the small ladder, walking on a dock that shakes or creaks, being aware of how your body weight affects a pretty large vessel, and just generally feeling TOO BIG...well that is less fun. Since we're going at the end of the month, I'll basically have to deal with all of that stuff, but even being 7-10 lbs lighter and knowing I'm in 'weight loss mode' will help me to feel so much more comfortable in my skin.

I'm thinking that July 26 -the day before we go up- would be a good day to start facing the scale again. I may take a current picture, and there MAY even be self-tanner involved.

So besides the positive stuff like living longer and feeling all sassy, I now have two tangible motivators to keep me focused when I want to stress-eat at work or funnel a bottle of yellowtail cab in the aisle at Albertson's...BOATS and PLANES.

What is keeping you motivated this summer, friends??

2 week check in/ renewing my vows

Two weeks ago I made some promises to myself. For the first 6 of the last 14 days I kept my contract with myself- I stuck to my healthy foods list, I exercised 4 times for at least 30 minutes, and I was feeling pretty good by the weekend. However, on Saturday (day 7) I went to a barbecue and just...started up again. Specifically, I started by 'just' drinking beers but sticking to low carb foods (burger with no bun, spinach salad no pasta salad etc) but by the end of the night I was eating potato chips and sugar cookies.

The rest of the following week (this past week) was back to the cycle of 'saying' I was eating healthy foods in the morning and dumping my plans by the afternoon. My very good friend is moving back to Massachusetts and we had a final goodbye on Friday- we hung out in my neighborhood, walked to the beach and watched dolphins jumping out of the ocean while the sun set, and had great conversations. That picture above was taken Friday around 8pm. The beach is a 4 minute walk from my apartment and I rarely go down there because I've been in a rut and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. That makes me sad to write it and admit it, but I have to work this out and face it rather than ignore it and eat/drink away my nights.

Today is day ONE again. Like many wise twelve-steppers before me, I have to take things one day at a time. These are the basics that will help me live longer and allow me to enjoy my life:

1) whole, healthy, foods- oils, nuts, all types of protein, veggies, occasional fruit

2) exercise AT LEAST four times weekly

Specifically, I'm adding FOOD TRACKING to my must-do list. If I have time to play 17 games of Candy Crush I have time to use myfitnesspal. When I've been successful in the past, recording my food daily and having the opportunity to look back on my food history has been an integral part of my weight loss. Tracking keeps me mindful, and it fits with a side of my personality that craves accountability. At work even when I 'know' I've made lots of sales or had a good week/month, I am truly motivated by seeing our weekly sales reports; that kind of reinforcement makes me feel good about myself and it makes me want to work even harder. I was also the kid in school who couldn't WAIT to get my report card- huge nerd, I know.

The other new wrinkle is that I will be taking a break from the sauce. The random Tuesday night bottle and a half of wine leads to Wednesday morning scones from Starbucks. A string of days like that leads to full-on nutrition disaster, tight pants, and a shame spiral that is increasingly difficult to lift myself out of. I've got lots to look forward to this year and next year, and I want to fully experience and enjoy all of it without regret, shame, and discomfort.

I'll be posting more this week, and again I am so thankful for this blogging community. Have a great week, everyone.

simple things

Sunday I posted after not posting since May 5. I put those 'dark' weeks behind me, and I so I'm here to report I'm moving in the right direction. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who stopped by or commented; it really does mean a lot.

So...what did I do differently?

I added a contract to my fridge near a calendar I use to manually log workouts. I promised myself that I would eat healthy food and move my body more and I signed my name. Specifically, I'm challenging myself to 4-6 workouts per week of at least 30 minutes per session. On the calendar I mark 'HF' after a full day of staying with my eating plan, and when I work out I log the minutes.

Sunday I went to the gym for 45 minutes, and tonight I did 35 minutes of cardio with the Kinect.

Monday I returned to no sugar/no grains and today is day two of clean eating/ or 'HF'.

I will sleep well tonight, and I'll get up and start over again tomorrow.

YUP!

In the style of, well, ME, I went off the rails after achieving a little bit of a goal (30 lbs). Sometime after May 5th I abandoned my cleaner eating low-carb plan and started puffing up, feeling tired, gaining weight. I got angry at myself but not angry enough to right the ship, and I would conservatively estimate that I've put back 10-15 lbs in the last 6 weeks or so.

I am staying away from the scale for another month while I do my own version of a whole 30-
tomorrow I will return to a lower carb, no-sugar, no-grains plan that works for me. After I get through a month of 'resetting' (or whatever buzzword you like), I'll get back to weekly weigh-ins. My husband has requested that we don't go 'full Atkins' so I'm going to make cleaner choices and reduce cheese and dairy this time. I may also buy whole fruits but for the first few days I will likely stay away from sweet tastes altogether.

If I lived in Canada I would probably sign up with poonapalooza's doctor from the beginning of her weight loss journey, but for now I will use my personal experience as well as the magical World Wide Web to cobble together my plan. Other blogs and sites that I will draw from include: primaljourney,  mark's daily apple, the paleo diet website, and the food rules from the Whole30. Plus all of your blogs, which I've been avoiding because my face has been buried in a bag of pita chips.

Here are some things that I will keep front and center:

Today is June 16. I haven't been on a plane since December 2011 and part of the reason why I didn't travel back to Massachusetts last year is because I'm too big to fly comfortably (or even mildly uncomfortably). I am going home for Christmas this year and I refuse to let my weight get in the way. I don't expect to drop 100 in 6 months, but I can lose 60 lbs.

Adam and I plan to go back to Vegas for a night at the end of September. When we went for his 40th we were both down almost 25 lbs and feeling 'good' but there is no way we're going to feel good heading back there heavier than we were in March. No. Nope. No. (no).

I'm getting older. I'm feeling older. I want to start moving more and I want to feel good about it. I want to feel younger.


Thanks to everyone who reads this blog; I am going the distance. Fuck these last six weeks. Fuck 'em.

In-Development Swagger (oh, and a weigh-in).

Has it really only been a week? It felt like a long one. My no-lbs-lost fit last weekend led to a good amount of food vigilance and a strong week of ketosis.  However, a girls night out dinner on Wednesday with red wine and Friday night drinking at home that actually led to a baaaaaad hangover  yesterday were the OPPOSITE of vigilant, healthy, and focused. The drinking had me worried but I also had a very low calorie 'recovery' day, so my 3 lb. loss this morning was not totally surprising.

Regarding the two previous weeks, I did a good amount of reading about the whoosh and low carb weight loss stalls and some of the 'recommendations' actually included drinking as well as having a cheat day or two to recalibrate. Right now I refuse to go there with eating a bunch of carbs, but maybe the drinking (even though I am not proud of it) did help. Either way, I am moving on and I AM 30 POUNDS DOWN!!!

I'm feeling good about finally hitting a nice round number, and I'm still experiencing the NSVs that are motivating even when the scale is stuck. This week I wore pants to work that were basically falling off and I realized they had to be retired- I'm down a full size and then some. My closet continues to gift me with 'new' shirts- I have a habit of buying things online only to find they are too tight. Sometimes I purposely buy them small hoping to fit into them soon.  This has been going on for probably the last 3-4 years so it's so satisfying now to finally get to wear them. I also don't have to do laundry as much because I am comfortably away from the 'fattest days' of this past fall when I had maybe 2 pairs of jeans, a couple pairs of stretchy black pants (mortifying), and like three shirts I could put on.

I read an excellent post this week by Bonita who talks about this interesting process of losing when you start at such a high number. At almost 80 lbs down, she feels like a super model yet to the 'general public' and even her friends she is seen as a regular old heavy person. I can certainly relate, although I will take a moment to say that I don't think it's a bad thing for us chunky ladies (and gents) to develop some in-development-style swagger. Yes, Allan, there are some bloggers out there who have been using the same lines now for far too long and have what you could call an overabundance of swagger wrapped in an ill-fitting denial Snuggie, but they're in their own special category.

Meanwhile, for everyone else working away at this, I think feeling awesome about yourself now is not only good but necessary. Self-deprecation is easy and boring.  'If you Build it They Will Come', 'Believe it Before You See It', and the creative visualization/dream board stuff is actually the hard shit. We're all going to have the days or weeks when we're feeling overwhelmed about how much more there is lose but let's not let the sassy/skinnyface/thighmuscleburn feelings get pushed aside. Every mile, every 1/2 pound, every workout, every time you realize you can slide a pair a jeans off without unbuttoning them- it all deserves acknowledgement. Have a sweet week lovelies!

Soul-killin' Stall and Waiting for the 'Whoosh'

Here's me; after the scale this AM-

:internal horrified guttural scream:  
stamping around the house
angry tears (quickly wiped away)
furrowed brow
chomping of fried eggs lovingly made by sympathetic husband
intense googling of low carb and weight loss stalls (i refuse to say plateau since its only been 2 wks)
teenager-like EYE ROLL

Fuckity fucksticks. Have you guys heard of the 'Whoosh' ? It's basically the theory that sometimes during fat loss, esp. during low carb dieting (YES I'M CALLING IT DIETING TODAY BECAUSE I'M ANGRY), your stupid fat cells are all empty and feeling inadequate so they start filling themselves up with water, replacing all the trigylcerides and other fatty stuff that the ketosis process recently sucked out of them. So technically you're losing fat but it doesn't show up on the scale until you dump the water. Really??? Really?

I don't know if this is what's happening to me and my dumb fat cells, but I have had some issues with bloating and thirst this week so I'm holding onto it for now (just like I'm holding onto water- ha!).  I exercised mid week and then had some peculiar issues with sandals that are typically comfortable getting so tight at work on Thursday that I had to slide them halfway off in the car. Then yesterday (Fri) I had a restaurant-made gyro-meat greek salad for lunch and grilled short ribs with unknown amounts of sodium for dinner. Also my left foot looks like a FRESH LOAF OF BREAD. Okay, that's an exaggeration but it does look puffier than it did a few days ago. Also, I'm getting angry again because when I went to image-search the word 'Really' the auto-fill for Google was 'really fat people'- um, what?!?? Fuck everyone.

Except, of course, you, dear reader. Thank you for letting me vent. In exchange for your sympathy and/or stories of your own weight loss stalls I promise not to go off the deep end this weekend. I had a 'good week'; I ate low-carb/paleo, I was in a nice pink ketosis all week, I stayed away from cream cheese and gratuitous desserts, and I was expecting a loss. I wore a couple shirts this week that I was unable to wear a month ago, the bras that used to cut off my circulation (you know whati'msayin' ladies) now fit fine, and despite the scale I FEEL GOOD. Therefore, I will not switch paths; I'll keep going. Hang on everyone.

Staying the same weight and CAPITAL LETTERS OF SHAME.

This week I planned on NOT DRINKING AT ALL (okay, after Saturday night). I planned on NOT EATING SUGAR SUBSTITUTES. I planned to EXERCISE MORE. I planned on LOSING AT LEAST THREE POUNDS.

Those were some sweet ass plans. This week was not the week I wanted it to be. Specifically, I didn't follow my own plans. I drank on Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday AND Friday. I was stressed about Boston, I was busy at work, and I overdid it. On Friday (after they caught the fucker), I also had three Sam Adams to honor my home state and then upon entering them into My Fitness Pal saw that each 12 oz. bottle has 18 carbs. Egads. I did work out Saturday, Sunday, and Wednesday, and I was actually in ketosis all week but I drank a good amount of extra calories and futzed around with too many low carb desserts of the cream cheese variety.

Writing all of that out, I am okay with the fact that I lost zero lbs and zero ounces this week. I'm not flummoxed, I'm not 'mad at the scale', I'm not hoping that I secretly gained muscle and lost eight inches this week, and I'm not claiming that it was water weight or any of that bullshit. I ate too much, I drank too much, and I did not lose any pounds. I even waited until this morning (Sunday instead of Saturday) to weigh myself, but the scale showed me the exact same numbers as last week and I deserve it.

So onto a new week. Clean slate. I watched a documentary called 'The Perfect Human Diet' last night on the computer and it made me more excited about Paleo eating, and it also made me rethink just how much dairy we've been eating. Like my idol Poonapalooza, I am thinking that approximately 90% Paleo eating will work over the long haul. Her exceptions are cream in coffee and occasional nut butters, and those would also be mine. I don't need shredded cheese with every meal, and creamy sauces should be a few times a year, not a few times a week. It's also pretty embarrassing to admit I drank 5 of the last 7 days- red wine one night a week is something that I can plan for and still lose weight, but there has to be a limit. Finally, until I'm close to my goal weight, I will lay off the low carb desserts unless it's a truly special occasion.

I hope you guys all have a great week and stick to your plans.  There are about 9 weeks until the first day of Summer- for those of us with lots to lose, won't it feel amazing to be another 20-40 lbs down by then? It will be worth the sacrifice.

Love That Dirty Water

I don't want to write about Boston, but I also don't want to NOT write about Boston. I'm 3000 miles away in L.A. and I'm fine, and I have nothing to 'complain' about but I'm sad and worried and can't stop thinking about it. My younger sister lives there; she actually works at the Starbucks on Boylston St; basically right behind where the second bomb exploded. Apparently she had a shift in the morning on the day of (she's also a student at Emerson College, just down the road) and wasn't there when it went off but she was in the middle of the chaos because, well,  that's her neighborhood. None of her coworkers were hurt, and I don't think any of the marathon victims were her friends, but I keep thinking about what would have happened if the bombs were bigger, stronger, or if there were more of them. My friend Lisa's sister-in-law ran in the marathon and finished  just as the explosions started. In the link you can see how close she was. Her husband, mom, and two young boys were just a few streets away.  It's just...crazy. Awful. Impossible to understand. My heart is in the Bay State this week.

Meanwhile, my mind has been on work because it's busy, and I continue to focus on dropping weight via low carb high fat eating. I did get to the gym Saturday and Sunday, and I went again tonight (Wed) because I felt like moving, and I'm also having a 'hungry' week. It may be related to worry/stress about Boston, or it may just be related to my lifelong habits that are difficult to break. I've started 'adding in' some calorie-free stuff like Truvia and Vitamin Water Zero but I need to go back to no sweets. I strongly believe I'm super insulin-resistant or at least very susceptible to cravings so I need to stick to regular water and tea between meals. I plan to have a savory couple of days and I'm looking forward to another loss on Saturday.

For anyone who feels sad or lost this week because of the marathon bombing, please stay strong and take care of yourself. Finally, let's make sure we tell everyone who matters in our lives that we love them.

Oh, and if you need to be inspired a little bit, please check out a full stadium of Bruins fans singing the National Anthem tonight. Happy tears.

On my way to losing 175 lbs...27 lbs gone!

Please ignore the serious faces above. I AM THRILLED. The me on the left was taken in early October, 9 lbs into my Weight Watchers stint, so the difference is not actually all 27 lbs; it's 18. However, I do see a difference- especially in my waist.The low carb/ketogenic eating plan started at the end of Feb and now I'm finally at a new low for a total of 27 lbs down!!! I plan to hit 50 off by my 37th birthday on May 28th and I will gift you all with another sweet blue tank top picture.

So this week was my first full week back on low carb without a bunch of unnecessary drinking or carb-creep days and I lost 6 lbs (actually more like 6.4 but I've decided to switch over to the full pound results for purposes of my weight ticker and for the DRAMA)!!

As I mentioned on Saturday, I decided to track my food intake this week. I wasn't limiting my calories or portions, just aiming for 5% carbohydrates, 30% protein, and 65% fat. Basically, that distribution qualifies as a low carb/high fat ketogenic diet, and I ended up at an average of 8% carbs, 24% protein, and 68% fat for the week. My Fitness Pal reports also count the carbs without accounting for fiber so my 'net carbs' is probably closer to 6%. To make sure I was in fat-burning mode, I tinkled on a ketostix three times this week and got a pink (not dark pink or purple, just a solid mauvey-pink) result every time which means I'm in ketosis.

If this is new for you and you're considering low carb, I highly recommend starting with the books or articles of Gary Taubes, and then checking out The Art and Science of Living Low Carb. However, if you don't want to actually buy a book, check out the Diet Doctor at http://www.dietdoctor.com/lchf or this amazing page on ketosis: http://josepharcita.blogspot.com/2011/03/guide-to-ketosis.html - it gives you all the science, plus this nugget which helps explain how I lost 6 lbs this week even though according to that idiot My Fitness Pal and the old-school 'calories in calories out' theory I should have only been down about 2 lbs. The parentheses in blue are mine.

1G. One Will Lose Body-fat More Quickly on Keto Than Not 
 

The brain requires roughly 20% of daily maintenance energy (let's say 2500 calories will maintain your weight, your brain grabs 500 of those calories). Under glycolytic conditions (read: normal, high-carb diet- even a low calorie one) the predominate form in which the brain accepts energy is glucose (AKA sugars from carbs). 

Under fat-adapted ketogenic conditions the vast majority of the energy used by the brain comes from fat-derived ketone-bodies (basically there isn't enough glucose running around when you're eating low carb around so your body makes ketones out of your pudge to feed your hungry brain).
Under ketogenic conditions one will also sweat, excrete, and exhale fat-derived ketone bodies which can account for another 100 cal of energy lost per day. Say that a hypothetical person requires 3,000 kcal in order to maintain his weight-this person if under a ketogenic metabolism would lose an additional 580 kcal of fat than he would have lost if he had not been under a ketogenic metabolism (in short- a ketogenic diet cannibalizes fat to feed your brain, so you get to eat more fat and more calories than your friends on WW and actually lose more weight).

Regarding my personal calories and exercise this past week (Sat-Fri) I averaged 2120 calories a day, and I worked out on Saturday and Sunday only, burning about 1500 calories. As stated above, I lost 6 pounds, I was never hungry, and almost 70% of my calories came from FAT. By the way, my husband Adam also weighed in this morning and he lost 6 lbs in 6 days eating similar portions of carbs/fats/protein. 

Consensus: This is working. I'm going to track for another week and then I may or may not continue. I think it's kind of hysterical that when I complete a day with My Fitness Pal, their metrics tell me I'd be about 5 pounds down IN FIVE WEEKS if 'every day were like today'.

In non-scale victory news, my jeans and the dryer are now besties. I used to hang everything up to drip dry; now I'm trying to shrink my pants and they're still loose!

Have a super weekend!!  

 

Day and a Half to Weigh...

It's been three weeks since I've posted a loss. I desperately (dramatic? yes. true? also yes.) want to have a 'good' morning on the scale Saturday. I've been tracking with My Fitness Pal (which by the way sounds like a very lame doll from the 80s) all week, more so as an 'experiment' than as a way to limit myself, but I can't help but be slightly disappointed when I get close to or go over 2000 calories.

Last night was a higher calorie/heavy food day, and today I waited until lunch to have a meal so today will be lower. I feel that by staying low carb long-term, everything will balance out and I won't have to keep a food diary, but I don't quite trust myself yet.

For those of you who eat low carb, do you track carb grams or calories? I know that Poonapalooza eats low carb and low fat and lost over 100 lbs without counting or measuring, but she's also an amazing exercise machine. I'm not sure about other bloggers like Carbtripper, Happy Texans, Kaki or Judy from Carb Wars.

On Saturday after I weigh in I plan to post my personal stats about the carb grams I ate this past week, as well as percentages of fat and protein. On top of not exactly trusting myself after two weeks off the plan, I'm genuinely curious about my numbers and I think some of you might also be interested.

Righting The Ship! (or Let's Geek Out and Lose Weight, People)

You have to see what's happening before you can get to fixing the problem, right? Right. So the last time I weighed in I had just completed 28 (28!) very low carb days, eschewing diet sodas, carby veggies, all grains, etc. I had only a few alcoholic drinks during those four weeks. After completing those 4 weeks I was happy that I dropped 14 lbs, I was feeling sassy (yes I said SASSY) and ready to celebrate my husband's 40th in Vegas. We've been through this; I know. Well I did veer off course but because it wasn't insane I viewed my cheating as a blip on the radar, not an emergency. Just to be 'sure' I was back on track, though, I skipped my weigh-in last Saturday so I could, you know, get in a solid 7 days and post a loss today. Welp, to that Jakey G says:

 

I gained almost 3 lbs in two weeks. How? Why? Pretty easily. I went on vacation, and then this past week I stuck to low carb foods but drank wine four out of seven days, and then Thursday night we went out and had wayyyy too much wine and cheese. Hungover the next morning, I had a secret cheesecake brownie at Starbucks before declaring to myself I was 'really' back on low carb. Mortifying. I did end up staying very low carb for the rest of the day, though, and all told 2.8 lbs up after two weeks fucking around is not awful. But man, it's also not cool. I want to be UNFAT. Stat.

Last night and this morning I read another great book on the science of eating low carb and it has inspired me to take serious action so I can start finally posting those impressive (30 lbs! 50 lbs! 75 lbs gone! 100 lbs and fireworks! 150 lbs and spontaneous combustion caused by my hotness!!) results. If you're into low carb I highly recommend it: 

This book echoes a lot of Gary Taubes' points about carbs affecting insulin which controls both appetite and fat storage, and it also goes into more nitty gritty on how low carb diets are actually high fat diets and how that works. They also cite many encouraging studies which again emphasize how tough so-called 'balanced' diets are to stick with for those of us who are insulin resistant. For  overweight women who were put on 50% carb diets vs. 5-10% carb diets, the low carbers lost more body fat. What I thought was really fascinating was that among the women on the higher carb plan was that even when they all ate the exact same number of calories, the amount of weight lost varied greatly from person to person. Within the low carb group, weight loss was consistent among the subjects (basically because insulin and therefore insulin resistance was taken out of the equation), so again we have more proof that the simplistic 'calories in calories out' notion is flawed. Huzzah!

Meanwhile, even though I didn't do it over my first four successful weeks, I plan to start tracking my food intake- not to purposefully limit myself but to be able to track my personal ratios of fat, protein, and carbs. I think it's time to geek out and lose weight, people. Have a sweet weekend.

Indulgent Cell Phone Comparison Shots: 2012 vs 2013

So it's been a minute since I've posted. Before I get to catching up, I'll quickly explain pics. So the top one was almost exactly a year ago and the bottom one was from our third night in Las Vegas. The weight difference of 20-25 lbs is great, but I am happiest to see the difference in my face and neck area. It's hard to tell how the body compares but I'm definitely so much more comfortable in the newer one. I will (really REALLY) post a better progress pic soon in actual workout clothing, but this is a nice start.  I haven't looked at the scale since Saturday March 23rd, but I will start posting weigh-ins again this Saturday.

Full disclosure on the Adam's 40th in Vegas- I started off pretty vigilantly and then indulged at the end- I tried several desserts, had some bread, and definitely sipped on some girly sweet drinks.  However, I don't feel extremely guilty and I definitely don't feel like I 'ruined' my low carb lifestyle. Here at home, we're back to eggs in the morning, steaks, fish, low-carb quiches and casseroles. The possible reason for a weight-loss stall or small gain on the scale this coming Saturday would be attributed to the continued wine drinking that I kept up beyond Vegas and throughout this past Easter weekend. Now that the week and a day celebration of Adam's first 40 years is over, I'm back to very low carbing and I plan to take a big break from drinking.  Adam also plans to get hardcore, so we should have some nice weight loss weeks ahead.

The next real break from work is Memorial Day weekend-I'm off Friday and Monday, plus my birthday is Tuesday May 28th, so I plan on killing it for the next two months so I can party it up.  What would make it all the more amazing and enjoyable, though, would be to officially get to 50+ lbs lost. I have almost 8 weeks until that weekend, and I know that if I stay on track and stay away from too much wine and almond butter (yes you can eat too much on low carb) I can do it.

What are your pre-Summer goals? I hope everyone's having a great week!

week 4 send off- 1 pound lost

Really quick post as we're getting ready to leave for my husband's 40th b'day trip. Just a pound. Not what I 'wanted' but I'll take it and go. I did have some wine yesterday, plus I'm nervous/excited about the trip and feel like I have to take a giant dump. Hot, I know.

Maybe weeks 5 and 6 will let go of more poundage, but in the meantime I'll take a few NSVs with me to Vegas...

1) Almost everything in my closet fits! 3x women's no longer too small. Amazing.

2) Down a full jeans size in 4 weeks (24 to 22)

3) Hi. I've lost 14 lbs and I'm not hungry. Hi.


Okay, have a lovely weekend everyone!!

Week Four Hump Day!

BIINGO!! That's his 'before' but I love Biingo at all sizes. Why the two 'i's, Biingo? WHY TWO? Anyway if he can lose 40 lbs+ of his 13-year-old puberty-middle-America-video-gamin' self, I can too. If you go on the nbc website you can see his after shots I'm sure. (biingo!)

Anyway for me, your local carnivorous biggest loser, today was day four of the longest week of the year which means I'm half way through the fourth week of low carbinating. This week I added something new to the mix-actual exercise. I let myself off the hook on the formal cardio thing because some of the studies in Good Calories, Bad Calories talk about how for the corpulent, exercise just makes you get the hungries and you eat up more calories. Um, sure, maybe. But then I was reading about how high intensity exercise goes along really well with low carb diets and then I also just 'felt like' working out. It could be because my sweet sweet husband is now a professional cyclist or something, or it could be because eating this way actually gives me more energy. Either way, I did Zumba on Saturday and again today Tuesday. I also did some uncharacteristic spring cleaning on Sunday that involved hopping on and off a chair and scrubbing the inside of tall cabinets. Who AM I? (biingo?)

I'm moving more this week and I feel good about that but I also have a nagging feeling that I AM eating more so I'm worried about my Saturday morning weigh-in before we leave for Vegas. I'm blogging tonight because I want to make a public push for a very low carb and very successful Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I hope you all get through the hump and the rest of the work week! (biingo.)

Week 3 Loss- 2.6 lbs

So after my day 20 gushfest about all the decadent foodstuffs I get to chomp on like that king in the second Lord of the Rings move, I got a little bored and pouty yesterday at day 21. People at work were asking me questions about 'this diet' that inevitably led to discussing lots of food on my 'no' list which got slightly annoying. I wasn't really physically hungry but thinking about certain foods still activates my salivary glands and from what I read might even get an insulin response, plus it was around 4pm on a Friday...

So instead of going off the plan, I went and spent a little chunk of cash at Vons on Dungeness crabs, fresh mozzarella, mixed greens, and blue cheese dressing. I actually also bought a bottle of white wine because I was in that 'I deserve a treat mode'. Well, the meal was good but not great (the crabs weren't perfect) and I barely made a dent in the white wine. I can kill two bottles on my own without help but last night I just didn't want any more after two small glasses. I had a little almond butter and then went to bed.

I got on the scale this morning and found that I'm now officially just below where I was at the lowest point on Weight Watchers. I lost 2.6 and now I'm back to 23 (and ounces) down total from late Sept, and 13 lbs off during these last three weeks of low carb. Success!

Naturally, I want more. I can feel myself shrinking and just wish I could speed it up. We leave for a trip to !!VEGAS!! a week from today and I don't think losing 7 in 7 days to get to 30 is realistic but I do plan to cross the 25 lb mark and then some by next weekend. I started trying on some formerly too-tight jeans on Thursday night and found that I can now get into particularly stubborn pair of Lane Bryant bootcuts in a size 24 and a dark grey size 22 'skinny' jeans that I couldn't zip a month ago. Most of the jeans I wear regularly are a 24 and there are a few pairs that are loose enough I can take them off without unbuttoning them, so I can say definitively that eating this way specifically helps me lose weight around my waist, which is just super.

Next week I will post comparison pics, because I think 25 is an appropriate milestone. Here's to a good weekend and a hardcore week!

20 Days of Low Carbin'

Twenty days is...about an eighteenth of a year. It's very close to three weeks, and well over 300 waking hours. Over the past 20 days I've stayed away from sugar, flour, wheat, corn, rice, oats, beans, starchy veggies,artificial sweeteners, and even fruit (I've had a few tomatoes if you want to be technical, but no 'sweet' fruits). I don't think that all of those foods are 'bad', but I'm taking a break from them to see if the lower carb/good-calories-bad-calories theories work for me.(spoiler alert: it does.)

I do eat chicken (sauteed, grilled, tandoori),cauliflower, almonds, almond butter, cream cheese, sausage, cheddar cheese, feta, mozzarella, kale, spinach, olive oil, butter, steak, green beans, crab, scallops, eggs, mayonnaise, olives, gyro meat, salmon, pesto, artichoke hearts, sundried tomatoes, bacon, sopressata, babybel cheese, pickles, mushrooms, greek salad, pork tenderloin, cucumbers, bleu cheese, and avocados. And other stuff, of course, but that list covers a lot of the food I really enjoy.

I'm not sure how much of those foods I'm eating daily; I'm not measuring or tracking. I'm for sure eating what an outside observer would likely call decent-sized and sometimes even large meals. Because I have a lifetime of both failed and successful dieting in my past, I have trouble with the not-counting from time to time. I find myself checking the number of fiber grams on the bag of almonds I keep at my desk, or I'm temped to put all the food I had yesterday into My Fitness Pal 'just to see'- but so far I've let it go. Sort of. Tonight I had a pre-dinner appetizer of cheese and olives and then while I was eating my actual dinner I started asking myself if I really 'needed' the appetizer. Was I still hungry when I had a little no-sugar 'dessert' of almond butter and cream cheese? Maybe a little, but maybe I just wanted a treat. I still think that no matter how I eat, probably for the rest of my life, I'll always have those nagging guilty feelings.

What is wonderful, though, about eating this way is that I can say for sure without any self-talk or BS, is that after I had the dessert of almond butter and cream cheese (about 3 tablespoons total mixed together in a ramekin) I was FULL. Satisfied. Done. The opposite of hungry. The more familiar pattern for me, prior to lower carb eating, was basically forcing myself to think I was full after eating, say, three or four fiber one bars in a row followed by a yogurt and cereal, a couple weight watcher 2 pts bars, and maybe a piece of chocolate or some light ice cream. And all of that AFTER a full plate of supper.

When I eat carbs I am never satisfied. When I eat very little carbohydrates, but eat plenty of protein, green vegetables, and fats, I am full. It feels good- and also weird, kinda. It's like at 36 I suddenly discovered a new skill that I never knew I had. At 37 I will discover the waist I never knew I had, and I plan to do it while feeling just like this.

Weigh in Saturday.

low carb 2 week report: 10.4 lbs lost

Last night for dinner I sauteed brussel sprouts with olive oil and bacon, sliced up a fresh tomato and topped it with cheese and torn basil leaves, and Adam grilled up a large, salty tri-tip (pre marinated from Trader Joe's). For lunch I had some chicken meatballs dipped in blue cheese but it had been like 6 hours since then, so I was hungry. As I started tucking into my fifth slice of tri-tip my husband actually said "It's pretty amazing that you're shrinking". At first I thought it was just a straight up compliment since my face is slimming down and my clothes are fitting better, but there was something in his tone that made me say "You mean while eating like this?" and he said "Yeah...kind of.". It wasn't a critique, it was genuine reaction to the low carb eating and how far I was going with it. It made me happy. Almost smug. Ha.

That comment, and the results on the scale this weekend confirmed for me that this way of eating works. I'm two full weeks in and I've left counting, tracking, and portion-controlling behind. As I shrink more, I may have to add a little of that back in, but for now it's so refreshing to eat as much as I want during each meal and snack. I rarely experience hunger or obsessive thoughts about specific foods, and perhaps more importantly I don't experience GUILT or SHAME. (sidenote: Guilt and Shame could be the two main characters of a Waiting-for-Godot-esque show about two friends trying to lose weight)

I have been beating myself up for being fat and/or for eating 'too much' since I was in the first grade- six years old. One weekend day in the early 80s, my Aunt Barbara took me to a movie at the mall and when we went to Friendly's restaurant to get us an ice cream she asked me if I'd had lunch today and I said 'No'. She proceeded to buy me a kids' meal AND an ice cream and I was thrilled, but I of course lied about the not-eating-lunch thing and hours later I was exposed. The part I still remember feeling so awful about was the way my mom and aunt talked about two lunches thing, not the lie itself. What kind of crazy little gluttonous butterball lies about not having lunch just to get a plate of crinkly fries and a grilled cheese before her dish of butter crunch with sprinkles? The feelings I had that day would lead to closet eating (a common repeating scene in our household was my mom yelling 'Who ate all of the graham crackers?!!' followed by radio silence), and year after year of herculean dieting efforts followed by tears of guilt and shame when I went off the plan. Classic stuff.


I'll get off the couch now (the psychiatrist's couch, not the couch-to-5k couch).

Summary: I'm down 10.4 lbs in two weeks and I'm 2 lbs away from getting back to my previous 23 lbs off accomplishment. I'm ready for 25 and 30, and I'd love to hit those next weekend and the weekend after before we take off for Vegas (!) on March 23. I'm completely off of grains and sugar, even the fake stuff- no diet coke, no splenda, no products with sugar alcohols, etc. I'm not saying that I'll never use sweeteners but I'm staying away for now. I'm enjoying the way I eat: lots of eggs, meat, fish, cheese, green vegetables, almonds, and plain old cream in my coffee.

I know 2 weeks is a drop in the blogging bucket, so if you (like me) want to be inspired by some other at-goal or in-progress low carb losers, I highly recommend checking out carbtripper (maintenance), poonapalooza (120+ lbs gone), or SkinnyHollie (40 lbs in 13 sugar-free weeks). Please feel free to direct me to others or please share your blog if you're new here. Hope everyone has an excellent week!

It's not my fault!

I'm having a moment, people. I'm on the verge of acknowledging some shit I've been secretly thinking(hoping?) for a long long time and now it seems I'm allowed to believe it. The pictures above are Gary Taubes books that basically debunk the current theories about 'calories in calories out', the food pyramid, and what specifically (chemically, physiologically inside you, NOT the food you eat) makes you fat.

I am almost done with Good Calories, Bad Calories which was published in 2007. In his lectures, Taubes points out that the newer book 'Why We Get Fat' (2011) is essentially the same message but with less scientific stuff-more along the lines of 'airplane reading'. I'll admit I had to either re-read or skim here and there while reading GCBC, but it's been worth the slog. Check out the lecture he did last year at the University of Texas if you prefer watching/listening to reading: http://garytaubes.com/lectures/

So why am I so fired up? Well, even more so than last weekend when I read Wheat Belly by Dr. William Davis (who says wheat is 'as addictive as crack'- holla), I'm experiencing some Will Hunting/Robin Williams bear-hugging-it's-not-your-fault emotions.

Specifically, the chapter on fat metabolism (about halfway through the book) from Good Calories, Bad Calories really resonated with me this morning. I was aware of the fact that some overweight people can eat the same number of calories a 'thin' person eats yet the big person stays the same or even gains pounds, I was aware that simple carbs stimulate insulin production that stimulates hunger, but the idea that overweight people actually have something wrong, on the inside/cellular level that causes us to hold on to fat and metabolize food in different ways was huge for me. Further, the idea that we can release fat not simply by 'calories in calories out' by basically making our bodies do it for us (ie starving it not of calories but of carbohydrates which then allow fat cells to break up and release fatty acids back into our system to be used/released) with diet choice rather than restriction is fucking brilliant.

I could go on and on about how Taubes proves his points, but it would honestly take too long. I'll say (I think for the last time here) that yes you 'can' lose weight using calorie counting, and you can lose weight while on Weight Watchers or any other diet while joyfully eating simple carbs, but I'm convinced more so than ever that for most of us, this is a Sisyphean effort. I look forward to being a case study for the positive effects of cutting sugar and grain, eating more fat and more protein, and losing weight without hunger.

On the weight loss front, I've been hopping on the scale this week and now I'm about 6 lbs away from my previous lowest weight (the 23 down on WW in the late fall) so I'm really hoping to get there next Saturday so I can start posting losses again.  In the last 7 days I'm down almost 8 lbs and still feeling either not hungry at all or pleasantly full most of the day. Now that I'm officially starting Week 2 of high fat/high protein, I'm ready to go to the gym and I'm heading there now.

Update from Protein Town

The pic was my lunch Sunday. I took it because I thought it was kind of beautiful and definitely more appetizing than a big old steak or a couple of grey porkchops.

Today (Wed.) was day FIVE eating no grains of any kind and completely cutting out sugar (including sweeteners of any kind; no diet coke, splenda, stevia, etc.). It's past 11pm now and I'm still full from dinner despite the fact that it was about 1/3 the size of what I typically ate for dinner even when I was having an alleged 'good' day on Weight Watchers. I want to slow down a hot minute and again say that I do believe WW as a concept works, will work, and worked for many others in the past but right now I seem to be having a personal epiphany here with low carb.

My take so far is- the rumors are true.

You chop off a few lbs very quickly. I lost 4 in two days and then I stopped weighing daily because I don't want to get on the scale every day; I will go back to Saturday morning weigh-ins soon.

The first few days I was foggy/cranky/slow and I actually dreamed about various sugary foods for like three nights in a row.

By the third day I was feeling better (Monday) and then yesterday and today just felt kind of content because I felt 'full'- or maybe full is not the right word-I felt like NOT EATING which for a life long compulsive eater is maybe even more mind blowing. Yes, I think that's it. I've experienced what it's like to not want to eat.

I've done Atkins and low-carb-esque plans in the past but I've never gone as far as to cut out all types of sugar; I've always done splenda or had a diet soda or made those low-carb 'desserts' with ricotta cheese and stevia and almond flour crumble etc. For now I'm staying completely away and I think that's why it's working so well. I have no way of knowing, but I've been pretty sure (and very afraid of the idea) that if I get an updated blood test doctors would tell me I'm diabetic or at the very least pre-diabetic. Without getting too over the top, I feel like by eating this way I am in the beginning steps of reversing an illness.

I also checked out some amazing before and after shots at Poonapalooza's site and saw that she's also a low carber. I am feeling that this is 'right' in my bones, but it was also awesome to see some sweet 'after' shots and read about someone who is down 122 lbs. 

Finally, I want to thank the amazing work-in-progess that is Skinny Bitch for linking to my site and for being awesome.

Auntie Lynn was probably right.

I'm a pretty big fan of Weight Watchers because it works. I also hear that people have lost a few ounces thanks to calorie counting, portion control, low carb, shakes, Medifast, hiring Bob Greene to live with you, etc. So many ways to lose it. Right now my dad is using fitness pal to track calories and he's eating 2000 calories a day but is fitting in a bottle of red wine almost every night and he is down 19.4 over the past four weeks. I am jealous, and I'm also tired of not having my own breakthrough; I'm just jerking around with these same 20 lbs or so and the fact that at my weight those twenty are essentially meaningless is not lost on me. At my weight the 23 lbs I lost in the late fall made a modest dent- it was enough for my husband and close friends to notice but it was nowhere near a before and after type situation. I desperately need to be my own before and after situation.

I am beginning to believe that 'self-control' and tracking will not be enough to get me to a healthy weight by the time I'm 40. Again, I know it works but I haven't been working it. Therefore, I am ready to take a break from the foods I think about too much, eat even when I'm not at all hungry, and sometimes even binge on. This morning I had eggs and cottage cheese for breakfast and then read the book Wheat Belly on my kindle. Wheat Belly is basically like a paleo diet or an Atkinsy food plan. It is pretty much the exact diet my aunt Lynn tried to get me to adopt 14 years ago when I first moved to California but I was determined to stick with plans that include more foods I like. Well now that I'm older and still fat, I decided to just give in. Lunch was a weaksauce can of tuna so I went to the store to get veggies, raw almonds, delicious cheese, and lots of protein. Dinner was chicken breast over spinach salad with egg and blue cheese, and snacks were almonds, cheese, tomato slices, and avocado.

What I liked about today was that I didn't have to track or count but I know it was a 'weight loss day'. I also liked that everything I ate was tasty and filling. Today was the first time in a very long time I had no sugar, flour, oats, corn, wheat, or high fructose anything. I even skipped diet soda, sugar free creamer, coffee, and dark chocolate. As a result, I'm kind of fuzzy and headachy and may possibly be dealing with carb or sugar withdrawal. However, I also feel okay with that, and I am ready to do this again tomorrow.

please enjoy this stock photo of a calendar

Since my post Saturday, I've had sweet little almost-full-week of tracking my WW points. I worked out Sunday and Tuesday and I plan to workout tonight. Tomorrow I will weigh myself to see how I'm doing after a full week of immersing myself in the seedy underbelly of dietbet.com. I actually joined a second dietbet pool (the one Tony from theantijared.com started) so I will do another 'official' starting weigh in over the weekend. The first one ends Fri Feb 22 and the next one will end Sunday March 3.  Meanwhile, I'm looking for a third one that will start at the end of Feb and culminate the day before our Vegas (!!!!) trip which is March 23. Have I mentioned that I have an addictive/compulsive side? I tend to replace overeating with something else and right now I'm all about dietbet and obsessively looking at calendars.

I have nothing awesome to say actually except that I'm back at it. Hope everyone is doing super fine.