Still Chunky. Still Ranting.

First, I want to say a sincere THANK YOU to anyone who thought to nose around this blog during my almost 4 months off in the stratosphere- and an especially big thanks to Skinny Bitch and Kaki who recently dropped by. Kaki's new take on the 'HALT' acronym is particularly brillz; you should check her out. I also have a few wonderful friends who read this via Pinterest and I appreciate it all.

So in September I claimed I was 'not saying fuck it' (not one of my best) and I think I kept with that vibe for a bit in the fall, but yet again somewhere around early November I let it all go. The various excuses all apply; nothing tragic befell me. I love to stuff delicious food into my face- the doughier, the sweeter, the toffee-crunchier, the better. Sugar for me is bad in a myriad of ways and I keep doing it. When I combine sugar from morning on with wine or other alcohol at night I blow up like a cartoon.

Quick aside: with all the anti-bullying stuff, why is it that kids' movies have no problem with making fun of overweight people?  Fat ladies are priggish and wear only flowered dresses, fat kids are dumpy losers or bullies, and fat men are buffoons who pop buttons and get red in the face. And double quick aside: I agree with team 'Love Actually Sucks' because fat shaming. K. Done.

This is what's going on in my house: We just got back late last night from a week in Massachusetts with my family. My husband I both had a blast, we enjoyed everyone's company, got a break from work, and we ate/drank any and everything we wanted. It got to the point where I was looking at very fancy chocolates on our last day and going 'blerggg I can't' (spoiler alert: I did anyway!).

The real bad: My neck is almost gone; I'm more comfortable in a 26/28 than any other size; my 'fitness level' is a negative 6. I snore and wheeze.

The okay: Pretty sure I'm not quite back at my top weight; some of my 'newer' 2013 clothing still fits, and I'm still here.

The good: The path ahead is a beautiful, unmarked blank slate.

The wonderful: My husband told me over Christmas with my family I was 'perfect'. When I made a horrified face at that word he said 'Perfect to me'. He melted my cold sarcastic heart. For years I thought major weight loss first, love second.

The truth: I'm not starved for love, I'm not angry or tamping down feelings of unworthiness. The over-analyzing of the fat person as the downtrodden and ashamed pisses me off. There is no spelunking of the soul that needs to happen; I need to plan and execute and take care of myself nutritionally. These next few days I won't be in full no grains/Paleo, but I will be starting in earnest Jan 2. I like this overview and meal plan ideas quite a bit: http://authoritynutrition.com/low-carb-diet-meal-plan-and-menu/

I will also take a break from drinking, and get my shit together physically.  I will be watching all y'all do your thing in 2014, too.

Finally, look how cute we are:

No Make-up, No Scale, Not Saying 'Fuck it'

So since I lost those three British Pounds, I've stayed away from the scale. My excuses are thus: last weekend I had my period and felt gross- I rationalized that if I got on and saw a gain I'd go off my plan. Then this weekend I was sick (just a cold) and felt that somehow the mucus in my lungs would weigh me down. Pretty lame, but I did stay with my food plan (okay okay the wine, almond butter, and 85% dark chocolate are still being used in questionable amounts) and now I'm about 6 weeks back to grain-free and sugar free. I've continued my streak of avoiding the den of cookies and red vines at work, and the meals of proteins, veggies, and (sometimes) delicious cheeses are working for me.

The makeup-free pic above is not exactly a progress pic and it's far from a glamor shot, but I'm not unhappy with how I look right now. Staying away from flour and sugar de-puffs me and keeps me relatively zit-free. At 37 it's rare that anyone mistakes me for a youngster anymore but I feel like as the weight comes off I'm starting to look younger. As I posted a few weeks ago when Adam and I went to a Dodger game on a hot August Sunday, when I'm NOT eating grains I just feel more comfortable. My clothes are not sliding off my body and I have a long road ahead but I am balanced and chipping away at the goal.

The further I go on and the more situations I get through, the easier it is NOT to say 'fuck it'. If I ignored homemade bread at work, why would I grab a flour tortilla at dinner when I can have as much chicken and guac as I want? If I didn't binge out or start eating pasta for no reason when I was PMSing last week, why would I eat the noodles in my large pho- 'because I have a cold' this week?  It just starts to snowball, basically, and I feel like I'm no longer just 'trying' (that's kind of a whiney weight-loss-blogger word, in my bitchy opinion)- I'm doing.

This coming Sunday is my one year blog-iversary and I will see what's what. Adam and I are also taking a one night trip to Vegas that just happens to fall on Sept 29th. I expect to feel...well...

£ £ £!!

See what I did there? I lost three pounds, friends.

A few things:

1) I stated nine days ago that Thursday would be my 'new' weigh-in day. Today is Saturday. Last week was weird and I felt that I needed a few extra days. Plus I started thinking that a Thursday AM weigh-in would lead inevitably to a 'four day weekend' mentality. I went out with a friend Thursday and stayed on track with food because I was looking forward to Saturday morning. So I'm back to Sat AM weigh-ins.

2) As the wonderful Leigh pointed out, 24 lbs (or £; whatevs) is a shit-ton to lose in four weeks, and with three down after one 'week' I'm behind. I feel perfectly okay with that. 12 in four weeks will also be a successful outcome, but I think I can break that.

3) For the low-carb/meal-plan curious, I've stayed true to my plan. Most days involve coffee for breakfast with coconut oil, half/half and either no sweetener or one pkt of stevia. That gets me through to lunch which I typically pick up from a restaurant within walking distance of work. Generous portions of skewer chicken, gyro meat, and greek salad (no rice, no pita, etc) are my staples, but sometimes I'll get a bunless cheeseburger or tandoori chicken.  Dinner varies- sometimes I cook but during the week with my commute and hours I tend to pick up food that I just have to heat up- or my wonderful husband cooks something for us. Basically a protein and some veggies is dinner. Fresh and Easy is a store I frequent. On the weekends I will make eggs and bacon for breakfast and have a smaller lunch. We grill a lot, too. My 'treats' are red wine, almond butter, dark chocolate and macadamia nuts. I could stand to go treat-free a few extra nights per week. Poonapalooza's food diary posts are an intimidating yet inspiring resource for those of us going 'clean'.

4) Right now I'm really enjoying the food I eat and it's easier for me to leave certain foods completely off the table.

5) Clothes are starting to feel better again, and I'm looking forward to being able to fit back into ALL of my 3x tops and 22/24s.

6) Back-to-school has moved my normally busy workplace up to melt-down mode. At this time of year I've typically skipped lunch and raided the office kitchen which is FULL OF SUGARY SNACKS. We stock the snacks for the 16 year olds who descend on the office on weekends. I'm no longer 16; I'm carb-sensitive and prone to binging. Eating this way keeps me from going there. (insert 'aintnobodygottimeforthat' lady here)


Hope everyone enjoys the weekend. It's hot as balls in Southern Cali- even down here at the beach. For those of you who are all 'heeeheee hashtag sweatshirt weather' I'm jealous!

Driving without carbs

So this is a holiday weekend that doesn't feel like one. Yet, it kinda does because I have yet another day off work tomorrow.

In brief, on Friday morning a good family friend died too young. He was a good man, a dad, a musician, and a career high school English teacher. I've known him since I was two and even though I'm not around him and his family anymore (I've lived in CA 14 years) it hit me hard. Craig was at my wedding in 2010 and he was diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago; it was one of those situations where you don't want to 'believe' it's happening- and then, well, it does. On Friday I ended up calling out of work because I just didn't want to be around people. I talked to my mom a few times and read some heartbreaking facebook posts and called it a day.

Saturday morning Adam and I made the last minute decision to drive from home (Redondo Beach) to Oakland to see his friend Bobby and his band play at a club. If I hadn't taken Friday off I probably would have talked Adam out of it, but I really wanted to get out of the house and out of my head. The drive took almost 6 hours and then another 40 min each way from hotel to the gig, plus about 5.5 to get back home tonight. As I cheerily put it, I added an another week's worth of drive-time commute onto my life in just 36 hours. It was 'worth it' to see how happy it made Bobby and the guys in his band when we showed up but... I'm wiped.

The reason why I'm motivated to share the randomness of the last few days is because I coasted through it without turning to Spice Drops, Combos, M&Ms, breaded fast food, or any other convenience store road snacks. We stopped at both McDonald's and Taco Bell and I made it through relatively unscathed as it relates to low carb- want to hear how? I know I'm bragging but the thing is I wasn't all middle-aged-paranoid-eating-disorder-style about it, I just did it.

Road trip stop #1- McDonalds 1pm Saturday. I ordered a grilled chicken bacon wrap. In the car I dug out the chicken, bacon, and mayonn-aisey lettuce and tomato pieces and chomped it down. I tossed the wrap. Boom. I didn't special order I just foraged for the good stuff.

Road trip stop #2- Cattlemen's 7pm Saturday. Chain sit-down place. I was hungry since I had really only eaten the innards of a $2 wrap sandwich, but I ignored the bread basket, enjoyed a blue-cheese salad, and then opted for veggies instead of the starchy choices, and was so full with my pound of ground sirloin that the cowboy chocolatey cake-pile dessert was honestly the least appetizing thing on the planet.

Road trip stop #3- On the way home we hit up a taco bell. Generally pretty barfy. I got the Cantina Bowl chicken with no rice. Done.

We had a CVS can of mixed nuts in the car, and I drank both water and zero calorie Monster energy drinks. There was also a free breakfast at the Quality Inn and I shoveled down some rubbery scrambled eggs and some coffee with half-and-half- AND I IGNORED THE SWEET BREAKFAST TREATS. Anyone who knows me would be shocked to see me sitting 5 feet from a danish and bagel display with a small pile of eggs and a coffee.

The best part? I'm so rarely hungry and I find myself 'naturally' eating smaller portions. Eating this way regulates my hunger, and probably my blood glucose levels (someday I'll get tested) in such a way that I don't want to sneak into the chevron and buy candy- even on a 6 hour drive. It's magic.

Scale. Goal.

I did it. I got on our DUSTY-ass scale this morning. I'm up 14 lbs since May 4th and like I said earlier this week, I'm ready to put my name on it and own up to where I am today. This puts my 'total loss' at 16 lbs. 30 looked so much nicer on the weight loss ticker but it's been a lie for awhile.

Today is a clean, low carb slate. Thursday is my new weigh-in day, friends.

I am setting goal of hitting a total of 40 lbs in four weeks. That will be my one year Bloggiversary and it will be two days before a long weekend trip we have planned.

That means 6 lbs per week. Deep breath. I promise you I'm heavy enough to do it and hitting that number will not involve actual starvation. It's like a regular chunky person losing 3 per week; for reals.

I'm still working on listening to body instead of my mind and I'm experiencing good things.

Some observations over the last two weeks:

Just a few days into eating clean/low carb I start sleeping better.

When we went to a baseball game this past Saturday, I was eight days in to no starch/grains/added sugars and I was comfortable. In the sun. In a crowd.

The longer you stay at it the easier it gets.
 

Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone.

'Don't look where you don't want to go'

Comfortable. Relaxed in a crowded room. Nervous when flying only because it's FLYING and airport security lines suck, not nervous because the seats/aisles/beltswillbetoosmall and people are looking at you. Able to keep up walking through sand on the beach or up a mild incline on a hike or through snow. Ready and willing to jump into a lake, a pool, the ocean because it's hot out and the water will feel good. Pulling on a sweater over a long sleeved shirt in the winter and having it fit snugly yet attractively over my grown-woman boobs and healthy waist. Getting dressed in the morning with a choice of 30 different things to wear. Smiling more, standing up straighter, and getting out my head and into my lungs, muscles, eyes, ears, nose, hands, feet, and heart.

All of the above.


So hi. I hope a few of you are still out there. As soon as I click 'publish' I'm coming to visit you and say hello and see how you're doing. Here in Redondo Beach, I am mentally digesting the hippie-dippiest low carb book on planet earth, and I am unabashedly happy I did. The book is The Low Carb Revolution by one John McLean and- well, here's the cover:

It's enough to make you think I've gone and lost it; I know. The rainbow stretch pants, the quotes with capitalization, the random cut-and-paste of sushi rolls even though the book is about NOT eating things like rice- it's a hot mess. Inside his writing also leaves quite a bit to be desired- he talks to himself and makes jokes in the midst of sentences and there are some typos on the kindle version ($2.99!) of the book. However, I feel like it helped me make a connection over the past week that I've needed.

The science stuff in John's book is lifted (and credited to) Taubes, Eades, etc. and I read it all because being told again that fat doesn't make me fat is a good thing to remember. Reading about how harmful simple starch and sugars are for me (and that's me personally) is also a good thing. But we know/knew/understand all of that. 

The new ideas are about flipping the mind-body connection on it's head and I liked it. He theorizes that the mind 'doesn't' really control the body- ie you want to lose weight, you make lists, you post blogs, you promise people on pinterest and facebook that THIS IS IT- your damn mind is on board- yet you find yourself overeating just two days later.  If our minds were really in charge, he posits, then we'd all be size 8s (or whatever).  Your body is driving the ship and one problem we might have is that we are not talking to our bodies and we don't understand them because we're kind of hiding up here in our heads. That made sense to me. The title of the blog 'Don't Look Where You Don't Want To Go' is one of McLean's 'secrets' and it refers to what coaches might tell downhill skiers and snowboarders- basically as soon as you even acknowledge the possibility of going off track you inevitably veer in that direction and then you're fucked. McLean never says 'fucked' because he's a hippie but that's the message.

So this post is about today and tomorrow and looking where I do want to go. I've been starch/wheat/grain free for the last eight days and I'm sugar-free with the exception of very dark chocolate and natural almond butter. My meals are high in protein and fat and I've been drinking wine but feeling balanced. On August 29th which is this coming Thursday morning I will check in on the scale. It's been too long and I want to know. I also want to know how much I will lose between 8/29 and 9/29 and then again how much I will shed leading up Christmas. I'm ready to put my name on it.

the malaise of sobriety

Another week down and I feel confident I've lost some lbs, but I just feel blah.  I made it through an entire 4th of July without drinking or overeating which is cool, but 100 lbs didn't exactly abandon ship overnight so now I'm just here...still very chunky, still uncomfortable, and because I'm not drinking away my four day weekend I'm acutely aware of it all.

I don't have the full-on 'Fuckits', though- I'm currently wearing sneakers and I'm blogging instead of getting back into bed. If all goes well I will exercise, shower, and then get to the grocery store before 5pm. Dream Big, I know.

By taking a break from drinking I'm forcing myself to deal with me 24/7 and I've found that it's not super fun. There are plenty of things to do with your days off, especially when you're not hungover, but I'm not doing them. I'm re-reading tweets, playing candy crush, watching TV, and digesting mediocre books on the Kindle.

Lurking around other blogs this morning I'm seeing that for the Very Successful Ones, typically exercise is front and center. You know the type: Before hitting the farmer's market, chopping veggies for tonight's intricate dinner, putting together the twins' bunk beds from Ikea, reviewing Vibram water runners for pay, and posting 78 pictures of my symposium at FitBloggin', I ran 9 miles at dawn (only 9 because it was my rest day!).

Kidding, kind of. There are some exceptions, of course, and I agree with the school of thought that says food intake is 80-90% of weight loss and when you're really reducing your calories excessive cardio actually makes you hungrier- BUT meanwhile there are a good amount of success stories out there who seem to run and/or do pylometrics on the regular. For me a workout is something that helps me feel accomplished and strong; it's not something I do 'to lose weight'.

I have to figure out my own thing,though. I'm not yet ready for full-on running or cross-fitting, but I am ready to get to the place where I'm more 'me'. For the last few days, instead of drinking and eating to excess, I've been lying around, reading, and napping. Hardly the start of a self-revolution.

The bottom line here is that I'm the one in charge of becoming the weekend hiker/ the spontaneous trip goer/the zumba class attendee/the buyer of expensive lingerie/the crafty home improver/the daughter who calls more/the friend who visits more/the regular hair appointment maker/the finisher of screenplays/the confident story teller/the attractive woman, wife, and someday mother I've always imagined myself to be. I'm also in charge of doing some of those things now, at my current downward-trending weight, and feeling okay with that.

Off to the gym.